Tantra 101

Yoga has traditionally stressed brahmacharya (“the right use of energy”) and offers various effective techniques to withdraw from sensory stimulation. While I do not entirely disagree with this aspect of the 4000+ year old spiritual path toward enlightenment, I also have come to embrace the idea that human consciousness has developed to the extent that we as a species are ready (and one might even look around and say we are not just ready but the world is at crisis level) to embrace  tantra, which is inclusive of sensual and sexual energy as part of a spiritual path: everything earthly is also Divine, in the spirit of non-dualism.

There are a variety of paths called “tantra,” and a Facebook group of which I am a member places emphasis on defining and disagreeing on what “tantra” actually is—much in the same way a student of Iyengar yoga might attend a Kripalu class and emerge saying, “That’s not yoga!” and vice versa.

While the the Kripalu students and the Iyengar students could form a Facebook group and spend hours discussing the finer points of what constitutes yoga, and perhaps eventually (I’m optimistic) come to agreement, is that the most productive use of time? Perhaps a better use of time is to agree to disagree and allow both (and all, even, acro-yoga!) to be called “yoga” and then go DO it. That’s what I propose for tantra.

While on an imaginary continuum there is, on the far right, a philosophy called “tantra” that has nothing whatsoever to do with sexuality; and on the far, far left there is an association with the word “tantra” (aka neo-tantra) with concepts like polygamy, polyamory, group sex and getting naked with complete strangers, in the middle of that continuum is the “tantra” that I know and love: a spiritual path inclusive of and honoring sexual energy, composed of both ancient and modern yogic techniques that awaken the Divine flow of life within, to promote a state of sex-heart-consciousness.

Is the yoga world ready for sexual tantra? I posit that it is. Why should sexual energy and genitals be the one area not addressed, not included, by yoga? The tantric sex path requires skillful, compassionate guidance (even if you are guiding yourself) and an abiding identification with the highest part, the Divine part, of yourself and others, as well as a deep acceptance of the lowest, most human and flawed parts—of yourself and others, and especially your partner, if you have one. That, and desire, is all one needs.

While we in our journey as yoga teachers and students and aficionados are leaving sexual energy off the mat, sex is a billion dollar industry online, and the current generation of young people are learning about sex from porn, learning to objectivize each other’s body parts, learning to separate sex from intimacy (or even from actually knowing the name of their sex partner). Far from being a prude, I am a lover at heart—and I see the value of knowing the person whose energy and physical body I am allowing to penetrate mine. I question which senses and chakras need to be shut down in order to engage intimately with people we don’t know, people whom we might not even like if we did know them. I want more for the next generation and I want more for myself.

Meanwhile in the real world, we have couples working all day, drinking coffee to fuel up, wine to wind down, exhausted and crabby at the end of the day with no tools or techniques to reawaken their sexual energy in order to be fully present with the one they love the most—even if they go to a yoga class regularly.

It has been instilled in us 21^st Century-dwellers that marital union is practically the climax of our existence. We were taught the proper gender identity to unionize with, depending on the gender identity that was given to us at birth, based on genitals that may or may not match up with our mental gender identity. This identity and partnering system is a thick belief system, handed down through generations in a patriarchal society, until now self-perpetuating unquestioned. And sex is associated with it. The structure of the belief system around gender and coupling has begun to be questioned; why not question, and maybe even enlighten, the paradigm of sex too?

If you have a voracious appetite for paradigm shifts, you might like tantra. Tantra says that not only is sex not a shameful and nasty physical act, but that it is an act of Divine Union (whether you are married to your partner or not)—in other words, that sex is inherently spiritual. That our physical bodies are a gateway to higher consciousness. Yes, people actually meditate in sex positions. (Wouldn’t one distract from the other? Are they not mutually exclusive? Merging the two is the tantric sex path. Take it from a longtime practitioner: Best. Meditation. Ever.)

We have lost sight of the deeply unifying energy that sex is. Surely we are ready for tantra as an ancient art reclaimed. It feels foreign, but it can be brought home very happily. I have never seen anyone at the end of a tantra workshop feeling inadequate—experiencing and sharing this quality of energy makes a person feel they are enough—and it leads people who already feel like they are enough to feel divine.

Tantra increases the sheer volume of sexual energy within and around you. But it filters it through the Heart and higher consciousness so that it’s clean, pure, and appropriate—even though it’s sexual. Many have come to know it as creative  energy and embody a heightened awareness. (“I want what they’ve got,” I thought, when I first met my tantra teachers on a modest Midwestern front porch.)

Through breathing and awareness exercises, rather than a physical act (“friction sex,” my beloved teacher Richard Asimus calls it) sex becomes a spiritual act—like a full-body prayer, in the way that yoga can be a full-body prayer. After our own bodies have been cleansed and more finely tuned, we tune in to each other and feel that sense of Union that we crave.

Our everyday consciousness craves that moment of orgasm in which we fully let go of wanting, of habit, of everything banal…through tantra it is revealed that that this bliss is happening and available all around us at any time; though typically we need to be in the moment of orgasm in order to feel it. But it is not just about genitals. We mistake it for being merely genital stimulation and brain activity. It is also an energy present on the planet at all times, for those who learn to tune into it—and it can happen in any chakra.

Tantra teaches us to tune into this bliss in everyday life. Therefore it’s great for longtime couples, who re-learn to harmonize in a way that leads to enhanced sexual experiences.

It is hard to practice tantra and maintain the mainstream myth that sex is shameful, or that it should be properly relegated to the end of the day, after all the bills have been paid and the dishes done. Instead, celebrate it! Prioritize it! Honor it! You can see why tantra has been underground since the 13^th Century—no one would have ever paid the bills or done the dishes (but now that we can pay online and use dishwashers, don’t we have more free time?). Tantra exposes other myths too, such as the one that says humans are born guilty. (In my estimation, the only original sin is believing that we were born with an original sin.) Warning: tantra may lead to the breaking down of societal mores. At the same time, why not say yes to breaking down the ones that leave sexy people (i.e., all of us) feeling shamed or oppressed?

These tools and techniques, the ability to awaken our energy and be fully present to the Divine in oneself and one’s partner, are what tantra teaches (or what, in particular, UGoddessTantra (my “brand”) teaches. My teachers at TantraHeart.com taught me, and their teachers at Ipsalu Tantra Kriya yoga taught them—my “brand” is lineage-based going back to the Kriya Yoga described in Autobiography of a Yogi. (Yogananda’s Babaji is Ipsalu Tantra’s Babaji.)

And so on back into the past, back to a time when the vagina was revered as the gateway between heaven and earth. You are invited to jump in—wherever you’re at--and create a new paradigm that honors yourself, body mind and spirit. It is time to find a new space for women to reside in that is neither virgin nor mother nor whore…nor any of the old paradigms handed down to us. It is time to create a paradigm for male sexuality that is empowering but doesn’t assert power over anyone. Students of yoga and life can create ourselves to be however we want to be, to claim that unique individual territory in this amazing thousand petaled lotus that is the Divine Human.

A manifesto: the planet is not just ready, but crying out for, a heart-sex-consciousness that has been hibernating for millennia. Awaken this consciousness in yourself alone, or invite your partner—not just for yourselves and each other but to create enlightened sexuality on a planet that deeply needs that kind of transformation.

UGoddessYoga offers Tantra 101: Demystifying the Ancient System to Awaken Your Erotic Intelligence, February 13, 2016. For more information and to join the mailing list: ugoddesyoga@gmail.com

“Sexual energy when directed upward toward the brain does awaken consciousness.” 

– Caroline Muir, Tantra Goddess

Twenty years ago it was rare to see someone walking down the street carrying a yoga mat. Today everyone I know has one. Even my mom.

Tantric sex is now where yoga was then.  Esoteric. Misunderstood.  The misunderstandings in part stem from the term ‘tantra’ itself, which is used for both tantric yoga (or white tantra, a spiritual tradition that weaves spirituality into everyday life through yogic practices) and tantric sex (red tantra, also called neo-tantra, a spiritual tradition that weaves spirituality into everyday life through yogic practices that include sex). That being said, tantra yoga purists object to the association of the word ‘tantra’ with sex at all.

Tantric sex is still far from mainstream, but it’s emerging, and being defined as we speak.

Tantric sex can be viewed as the natural progression of yoga, though most of the tantra people I know are not actually "yoga people." Tantric sex is a meditation, using sexual energy. Traditional yoga advocates celibacy (Brahmacharya). Human perception has begun to awaken in the areas of food, medicine, money, economy. Isn’t it also time to transform our relationship to this fundamental, misunderstood, yogicly-ignored bastion of shame?

“With tantra heart-sex-consciousness,” says TantraHeart master teacher Richard Asimus, “allure is sacred.”

This “new” perspective on sex is actually ancient, with roots in both India and Egypt. Where have the original practices gone? Underground, for centuries.  Back now though, baby, in this dawning of an awakened consciousness. And it really just boils down to being fully present. Eckhart Tolle teaches that tuning in to our inner body is one of the best ways to get present. For tantra practitioners, adding sexual energy tunes us in even further.

That level of presence Eckhart Tolle refers to means being fully awake (that is, not in judgment or thinking one’s thoughts are true). Tantric sex takes that awakened state to a new level by generating sexual energy, and connecting it to one’s heart, for heart-sex-consciousness. It’s rather delicious. In a regular yoga practice, the level of ecstasy present just from moving and breathing is profound. Imagine adding sexual energy to it. Yet the tantric sex people aren’t necessarily yoga people. Just like with yoga, there are many different schools of tantra, and just like yoga, practitioners don’t agree on which path is the “right” one. That being said, the practice itself is so captivating that arguing about rightness or semantics is far less intriguing than just doing it.

If 50% of marriages end in divorce, maybe that’s just a wake-up call to create new paradigms for love and sex that actually work and enhance our lives. Why do we need to try to fit our original selves into the same paradigm that unawakened people have embraced in an unawakened past? Or what if there was no paradigm at all and we were just fully present every moment? Tuning into sexual energy can do that. It can ignite your senses--think meditation and breathing, plus sex. Tantra is a practice, like meditation is a practice.

“Can you say the thing about the full-body orgasm again?” my Oprah Show director, Brian, requested.  I repeated it. About six times. Keep that in mind, reality-tv fans: I did a lot of repeating, until reality and what the director wanted were One. Everyone wants to know about the full-body orgasm, apparently. It’s a FAQ. (Here is my Oprah appearance story.)

Name-dropping the Big O always enhances my credibility; but more to the point, which is “why do tantra?” my segment on that high-profile venue happened because of what I learned through tantra: how to harness sexual energy—which is creative energy—and use it to set and manifest audacious intentions, which that O appearance was, indeed. Sexual energy is creative energy, supercharged.

Note to the curious: most of my own full-body orgasms have taken place fully clothed. They are energy orgasms. There is no intrigue or salaciousness, just full-on clarity.

A tantric approach to sexuality can change the world. Sexual energy is what causes birth—not just baby birth but the birth and manifestation of ideas and intentions. It’s effective to set an intention that is so audacious (I want to be on Oprah!) that there is little likelihood that it will actually manifest, an intention so audacious that it will make you giggle. It’s easier to let go of an audacious intention, send it out into the Universe, and place it in the unseen hands of the Universe—because it’s so audacious.  It’s that simple. The practices in the book Jewel and the Lotus are a great way to start generating the sexual energy that will catapult your life into bliss.

Puzzling how tantric sex is still so hidden and esoteric, when most of the internet's traffic is about sex. If sex is that popular online, how is tantra not spreading like wildfire? Well there is that collective shame and that feeling that sex is naughty, which currently is stronger than the new perception that sexuality is inherently divine.

Tantric sex—which is a combination of yoga, meditation, and breathing, but so much wilder, wetter, more fun, and far more unpredictable--is a way to reunite body mind and, yes, spirit. It is about fully surrendering, within a defined context full of rich practices that heighten awareness. If you are already a meditator, you just add sexual energy. If you already enjoy sex, you just add truly slowing it down. It is excruciating in the best of ways. What's not to like about that?

Is it preposterous that sexual energy could somehow lead to a spiritual awakening? Sexual energy is the exact same energy, Life Force, Prana, Chi, that flows through and around all that is.  That same Life Force, when whirling around your sex organs, or even when just whirling around the mere idea of sex, creates the incomparable feeling of arousal…which has been deemed un-spiritual by the powers that be, in the Western world, in previous generations.  Are we ready to let go of that?  Are we as a species ready to reclaim it as a Divine gift? Are we ready to fully surrender to it and be the ultimate submissive? Are we ready to try to captivate it and harness it and use it as power, as the ultimate dom? Are we ready to just live in it regally and peacefully? It can look any way you want it to look on the outside. Just like with yoga, what matters is what’s going on inside.

After thousands of years of mixed messages about sex, notice your own personal reaction to this evolved perspective. You may feel turned on, in doubt, turned off...all points of view are honored, as mere points of view.  Tantric sexuality can feed the hungry and longing part of people who live in a world that deems sex to be shameful—and instead of hiding our sexuality and relegating it to the end of the day, we can take steps to honor and prioritize it. Are you being invited to something more? Pulled toward something deeper, a deeper connection? If so, succumb.

It will be hard to practice tantra and and at the same time maintain the mainstream belief that sex is shameful, or that it should be relegated to the end of the day, after all the bills have been paid and the dishes done. Instead: Celebrate it! Prioritize it! Honor it! You can see why tantra has been underground since the 13th Century. Celebrating sexuality is not approved of by the powers that be. Tantra exposes other myths too, such as the one that says humans are born guilty. Warning: tantra may lead to the breaking down of societal mores. At the same time, why not say yes to breaking down the societal mores that leave sexy people (ie, all of us) feeling shamed or oppressed.

For so many in today’s world sex is – and bodies are – if not shameful, then lacking. There are very few women who don’t look at their bodies and see flaws. And few men who don’t look at their penis and wonder: am I enough? Most of us have been conditioned by fashion magazines and porn, both of which instill a sense of lack.

Porn sex makes your sex life look lame. Fashion mags…well, they are one step ahead of women no matter what we do. They exist to make us want what we don’t have. Why do we allow ourselves to feel guilty about our porn use and inadequate about our physical appeal…due to external forces seemingly beyond our control, while we chase an illusion of who we are and what sex is?

Let’s reject the external images of what we “should” be like. Let’s turn the old paradigm upside-down and decide sex is neither shameful nor bad nor is it a mere method of stress relief or of acquiring a certain status… It’s Divine. It is the energy that creates new life. It unites people in a way that goes beyond the physical. If you’re single, tantric sexual energy will unite first you with yourself, then that Self–a highly energized and glorious version of you--with a partner. By focusing on the external (screens, status) we have lost sight of the deeply unifying invisible—but totally visible, right?--energy that sex is. Tantra is an ancient art reclaimed. It feels foreign, but it can be brought home very happily. I have never seen anyone at the end of a tantra workshop feeling inadequate. Experiencing and sharing this quality of energy makes a person feel they are enough. A world full of people who know they are enough is a world full of empowered and joyful people.

Human beings are finally awake enough to consider using the wild and unseen force that is sexual energy to raise the consciousness of the planet. People are shyly stepping into a Friday night puja, unshyly being welcomed by others who are already glowing with the discovery of heart-sex-consciousness.

Tantra increases the sheer volume of sexual energy within and around you. But it filters that energy through the heart so that it’s clean, pure, and appropriate—even though it’s sexual. Through breathing and awareness exercises, rather than being a physical act (“friction sex,” my beloved teacher Richard calls it), sex becomes a spiritual act—like a full-body prayer, in the way that yoga can be a full-body prayer. After our own bodies have been cleansed and more finely tuned, we tune in to each other and feel that sense of deeper Union and profound connection and, yes, bliss, that most of us crave.

Our everyday consciousness craves that fleeting moment of orgasm in which we fully let go of desires, of habit, of everything banal…but through tantra it is revealed that that bliss is actually alive and available all around us at any time, not to just that fleeting moment of orgasm. As westerners we mistake it for being merely genital stimulation and brain activity. Tantra reminds us that it is an energy present on the planet at all times, for those who learn to tune into it. And yes, tuning in can be taught--great news for longtime couples, who will learn to harmonize in a way that leads to enhanced sexual experiences. Imagine feeling the electricity of newness again even after you’ve met each other’s second cousins…six or seven times.

Deep intimacy is super-hot. Letting someone see you, beyond the everyday life, beyond your hidden shame and guilt and ugly flaws, into the Divine Eyes that are looking through you, will penetrate your very being like nothing else. And in that seeing, it is not out of the question that one can act out a bondage scene or have vanilla sex; the external is not what matters. Being fully present to the flow, to the exchange, is what matters. Rather than needing more and more external stimulation, you need less and less with tantric sex…because you are so deeply aware of what’s present.

Tantra belongs not just in your bed but in the yoga studio, because it is the missing aspect of yoga. Yoga skips over the genitals. You are taught to cherish your breath, and be conscious of the sensations in your body, to rest and support yourself if you need nourishing. And to not have sex. Tantra reclaims the genitals and brings them into your yoga—after hours.

A spiritual path that creates even better orgasms…I’m in. I have had women friends ask, “Who on earth would even want to have a full-body orgasm?” Well. Try it and see.

In our personal and societal awakening let’s create a new paradigm that honors us body mind and spirit. Let’s find a new place for women’s sexuality that is neither virgin nor mother nor whore…nor any of the paradigms handed down to us…Let’s find a paradigm for male sexuality that is empowering but doesn’t assert power over anyone. Now is the time to begin to create ourselves to be however and whoever we want to be in our sexual energy, to claim our unique individual territory in this amazing thousand-petaled lotus that is the Divine Human, and to bask in it.

In the flowering of human consciousness, sex itself is ready to be harnessed and used as a tool for awakening.  If you want to take steps immediately (and who wouldn’t?) I know a tantra teacher who'd be excited to guide your awakening.

UGoddessYoga offers Tantra 101: Demystifying the Ancient System to Awaken Your Erotic Intelligence, February 13, 2016. For more information and to join the mailing list: ugoddesyoga@gmail.com

                  

Tantra as a New Paradigm

Sexual energy is "just" energy...the same energy that makes the plants grow and the sun shine and the flower-children blossom...but we can feel it much more profoundly when it is moving through our first chakra. It is "creation" energy.

Tantra, which is a meditative practice that is meant to bridge or unite body and spirit, offers ancient tools and practices to help us harness sexual energy and use it to be happy, conscious creators--rather than pretend sexual energy doesn't exist, or be blindly led by it...or do whatever we do with it, which for many of us is not very conscious.

In my daily life, one example of how it operates is: upon finding out the staggering sum I owe in taxes, within moments I returned to a state of relaxed gratitude. I didn't create a drama, or get negative. And that created a path in front of me, so that my entire tax-paying experience was almost laughably pleasant. When drivers flip me off, cut me off...when the Blockbuster clerk scolds me...I smile. I'm happy--maybe just happy that I'm not affected by their antics. (I was once pretty darn crabby.)

And the way that helps the planet? Well, imagine the neutralizing effect it has (at minimum), and the wave of pleasure sent out to others, which they send out to others. The Blockbuster clerk actually apologized. Are there other spiritual practices that can do this? Surely there must be, but this is my favorite. And I'm sure many of us are conscious enough to be able to re-route even without a spiritual program. I like that tantra takes sex out of the darkness, and into the light, where I am convinced it was meant to be. Nothing that feels this blissful and creates new life should be considered nasty or dirty. (And it can be spiritual...yet still be as kinked or fun as one wishes.

The New Paradigm means seeing ourselves as creators, not victims. The New Paradigm is a shift in which we realize that we the perceiver is actually creating while perceiving--a condition which is being proven by physics. It turns reality as we know it, inside-out. Because we actually have a HUGE effect on the world around us...not even necessarily through our actions, but through our thoughts. And even thought it is called New, yogis have known this for thousands of years.

Tantric Breakup

We unwove as consciously as we had woven ourselves together…and that was very, very consciously, slowly, during four days of deep purification and energy work—and energy play--at a Tantra retreat that left no shadows undiscovered.  On the last evening.  Finally.  We kissed.  And I realized.

At first glance he had been too beautiful for me, and therefore, I surmised, gay—so well groomed, such good posture, pen perfectly placed beside his journal.  Beautiful men are surely vain. Or gay. That was the easiest way to dismiss this man who stood out in the circle of 40. But he wouldn’t easily be dismissed. For example, one day at lunch I had a passing, silent, fantasy:  wouldn’t it be great if this retreat had waiters, who’d take my plate and bring me dessert—and just then the beautiful and surely vain man beside me offered to take my plate and bring me dessert. I was stunned. I let him. Way to make my dreams come true!

The first day of the retreat, during a very boundaried exercise, women had been instructed to ask their partner (whether brought from home, or met mere hours ago at the workshop) what level of touch he was comfortable with: on his perineum or inches away.  So I had asked him, my partner of the moment, my beautiful, surely vain, possibly gay, future psychic waiter.  Let’s call him Rudy.

“What level of touch would you like?” I asked.

Rudy replied, with zero attachment, “Whatever you’re comfortable with,” and I was struck by his verbal chivalry.  It mattered not to him how he was touched; he cared about his partner’s comfort level.  There was something about him.

Me being me, by the end of that very clearly instructed, efficiently orchestrated Tantra exercise, I had my hand in his pants.  That was not part of the instruction.  But I can be spontaneous.  I like to break rules.  Hand in pants was what I was comfortable with!  Here was this gorgeous young specimen spooned in front of me, either gay or not gay, definitely not vain, but cute and fresh with his Aveda scent, and there went my hand.  He was irresistible.  I was opportunistic. We were enjoying getting acquainted.  But I had some well set boundaries, and had lunch with someone else that day.

At the end of the second to last night of the workshop, late, when clothes were a distant memory to all of us, when all the body paint had been used on each other, I noticed that someone in his group had scrawled on his bare abdomen, like graffiti, “Sublime lingam,” with an arrow pointing downward.  Couldn’t help but notice.  I’d noticed his sublime lingam too, more than once in that 5-day course when we’d been unclothed.  It was just plain sweet.  I noticed a fleeting bit of envy that someone else had labeled his lingam. To be honest, I am much more taken by women than men. But this man was cracking my foundation…in a good way, gently, thoroughly. The next night, the final night of the workshop, fully clothed, when all of the guided moments of the puja were over, in a moment of play, I surprised him with a full frontal kiss on the mouth.  Immediately, I too was surprised: I really, really liked it.

Who knew?  

He did. He’d had his third eye on me, since long before the retreat, when he had created a vision to meet a woman just like me…and had an intuition to attend this level two Tantra retreat, “knowing” he would meet her there.  At a meal, he had overheard me telling a friend that I would love to have a male Tantra partner who was willing to dive deep with me, and not have it be about going to a movie and dinner first.  I wanted the sex to come first.  I wanted it to be just about sex.  I was not into dating or having a boyfriend.  I wanted to learn to move my sexual energy, unite my Shakti with Shiva, whatever that even would mean in real life.  I could go to movies with my friends.  I could go to movies alone.  I wanted Divine sexual Union.  In case he’d been wondering whether I was the woman he’d created in his intention or not, this clinched it.  Little did I know--I hadn’t even known he’d been listening.

Over the next few days of the retreat we spent plenty of time giggling and partnering and rubbing each other’s feet, and on the last night decided that the retreat would not be the end of Us.  I arrived home to a poem he had written and emailed me.  About Us.  We plunged into what became a five and a half year long-distance revelry.  Right away, we decided not to call it a ‘relationship,’ which implied effort, compromise, goals, seriousness. 

“Let’s call it a journey,” I offered, and we embarked.

Before our first sexual experience, I said, “I want to love you as much as I love you and not have it be about anything.  Not about diamond rings or moving or the future.  I want it to be about love itself.”

“Perfect,” he said, in his laconic way, with the smile that fed my heart.  And I committed to love him as much as I loved him, whatever that meant in any given moment, and if I didn’t feel the love, it would be all about me and zero about him.  That was our mutual commitment. 

Rudy was so easy to love; and as a bonus he could make chai from scratch and came equipped with compelling stories about traveling in India.  I was enchanted. He was funny, excellent in the kitchen, and he gave me plenty of space to be me.  Over the years, I loved him no matter what, trained myself to recognize and transform any judgment about him that would seek to keep me out of Love.  I learned there was nothing he needed to change about who he was; I just needed to release my own habit of judgment.

Let’s never wish we were anywhere other than Here Now, we decided at the end of our first weekend together.  Let’s not want what we don’t have.  Let’s channel the love and desire into our own life rather than wishing we were together when we’re apart.  And…the biggest:  we will handle our own issues, seeing each other as mirror.  Period.  I commit.  Only if we absolutely couldn’t resolve an issue on our own would we bring it to each other’s attention.  It was pure bliss.  Whether he flew to Chicago or I flew to Miami, it was about sex, reverence, play, indulgence.  Not about issues.

“Just so you know, I can’t be monogamous,” I had said that first weekend.  “It’s not who I am.”

“Ok,” he said.  “Whatever works for you.”

“Actually, I want to be monogamous,” I said, the second weekend, a few weeks later.  “With you.”

“Ok,” he said.  “Me too.” 

Immediately, people—friends, clients--began to ask me where our relationship was going, what our plans were.  “It’s a journey.  No destination,” I’d say, and that didn’t always register.  So I would over-explain.  “It’s a journey. It’s not about where we aren’t, what we don’t have.  I have a partner who looks at me with reverence. He doesn’t want anything from me, except to be a mirror.  I don’t want it to be anything other than what it is.”

“But really, when are you going to get married?” they’d ask. People had simply no paradigm for a girl-boy alliance that wasn’t “going” somewhere, leading to something permanent.

We had made an agreement around sex, right away.  There was no flirting or messing around, no wondering who would make a move.  We made as clear an agreement as we could make.  It went like this:  “Let’s have sex.”  And at any given time, after sex, or after breakfast, or during dinner—often—one of us would say, “Let’s talk about sex.” It was our favorite topic. There was no stone left unturned; neither of us was too shy to say how something felt, what we wanted more of, less of.  We both cared about how we could generate more energy to play in, how we could circulate that energy, between, within, around us.  It was heavenly. 

More than one person—and these were the people who I could actually tell—wondered how on earth we could have sex for four hours a day.  “Well, we split it up.  It’s about two hours in the morning.  Two in the afternoon.”  Rarely did we have sex at night, before bed, like everyone else. (That was our time for eating pie.)

--But what on earth do you do for two hours, they would wonder aloud.  And what makes it tantric?  And do you ever just want to have a quickie? And does he ever get to ejaculate?

These are all good questions. We could have sex for four hours a day because we had magnets implanted at the beginning of time, magnets that drew us to each other.  I have no better explanation.  We were drawn.  We knew there was a higher purpose to it, and the purpose was to move this supercharged energy, to not have sex be about sex, but about personal transformation, then about making the world a better place.  Whatever we wanted to clear up, clean up—that’s where we would direct the energy, intuitively and intentionally.  He could tell which way the energy was flowing—or not flowing, which was a special gift of his.  As we cooked, we blessed our food with the sacred energy we had created; it was a way of reabsorbing it.  Sexual energy wasn’t lost in the way that it is during Western sex, because, even if we did eventually have orgasms, it was after transmuting the energy. 

I think it worked—we worked--because in addition to loving sex, we both loved to meditate; our sex was a compelling combination of both.  Before ever meeting me, he had practiced maintaining an erection, which required a level of discipline; but if he didn’t maintain it, I didn’t fear that it was about me.  (And if he did accidentally prematurely ejaculate (which for us meant, well, 45 minutes in) then, of course, it was about me: he just couldn’t control himself.) I had no reason to ever think I was anything but utterly compelling to him. Because we had no issues—not because we had no issues, but because of our initial commitment to have no issues.

Did we ever want to have a quickie? No. What made it tantric? Being conscious of the energy flow, conscious of knowing each other as Divine. Being conscious of every breath, every moment, while in ecstasy.  Sending the energy where we wanted it to go.  Did he get to ejaculate?  Yes!  He knew when it was physically necessary, and his timing was masterful.  (And if I may digress, did you know that the ejaculate of a meditator is known to be supercharged with consciousness?  Indeed.  I have a friend who once requested semen from a monk so she could use it for a facial.  It’s a long—and funny—story. Truly one of my coolest, most self-realized friends.  So, men who save their semen, tantricly—men who run the sexual energy through their body without ejaculating—as opposed to monks, who we assume don’t run any sexual energy at all—have some very precious nectar.  Sort of a fountain of youth.)  Meanwhile, in addition to experiencing the delights of Rudy’s Shiva energy, we would also explore the secrets of female ejaculate.  The female body is quite the storehouse for emotions.  I’d laugh, then cry hysterically.  Or cry, then laugh hysterically.  Then we’d have to relax.  There was just no TIME for a quickie. 

What intrigued me, ultimately, even more than sex with him, was, actually, pujas, blessings, ritual.  Sex goes hand in hand with puja, for me, and at this level of sexual-spiritual, I can barely tell them apart.  Reverence was the main course.  I was just as happy to be fully clothed, blessing him in any way my imagination permitted.  And he was willing to receive what the Goddess, as embodied by his earthly partner, had to offer.  Even though it was all about sex with us, at the same time it was not at all about sex.  At least in the traditional sense. 

No one understood.  And that was fine.

We could do it forever.

Until we didn’t.  Until…five plus years in.  It seemed as though we had peaked.  Our journey a macrocosm, in a way, for the act of intercourse itself.

It was time to either set new intentions, or separate.

When we broke up, I released so much energy, so much, I could barely identify it all.  It filled my car, where I sat, holding my phone.  It was fear and dread...and I didn't make up any stories around it. I just felt it. There had been nothing to fear except the fear of breaking up, which had built up in me, and maybe us, over a couple of months.  When he’d answered his phone, I had said, “One of us needs to be the one to call the other one and break up, so, I volunteer.”

“Ok,” he said.

 Just like when we had come together, when we broke up there was a recurrent question from my posse out in the real world:  “What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” I would reply.  “It was just time.  The energy was no longer supporting our Union.”

“But…what did he do, what happened with you two?  You seemed so in love!”  We were.  So in love.

 

The first cultural assumption is that a good and viable relationship must be permanent.  The second assumption is that surely something went wrong, if it didn't "last."  Who made this up?  That true love lasts forever is such a prevalent assumption.  What if true love and true union and the beauty of coming together have nothing to do with permanence?  What if they have to do with presence?  Until you choose not to be present?

“What happened?” people asked, with deep sympathy.  “I am so sorry!” It was difficult to explain why there was nothing to be sorry about, without sounding delusional, in denial, new agey...the expectation of pain was so high, among everyone.  I really did sound like I was in denial.  I found myself almost wondering if something were indeed wrong with me...callousness, for example.  Because it didn’t hurt.  It felt great.

“And how is he taking this?” I’d be asked. 

“He feels the same way,” I said, more than once. It was so simple.  But only to us, it seemed.  Even out of union, I loved our Union, our agreement to be simple, our agreement to be immune to potential dramas, our agreement to create our own unique itinerary on our journey.

We exited in the same high level of consciousness at which we entered: present, engaged, listening to our hearts, listening from our hearts.  It was lovely, and I could only celebrate.  But because our way of celebrating had always been, well, sex, we didn’t actually celebrate. 

What an amazing 5-year path of discovery, of learning to be receptive, of opening to the masculine Divine, of letting my Divine Feminine be present with no need to hold back, ask for a guarantee, or claim ownership.

I had learned to experience higher consciousness as embodied by this man, specifically as delivered by his "sublime lingam."  I had learned to let that energy travel through my spine, like a pole of light that exposes anything that isn’t Love.  I had learned to revel unfettered in my own Divine Feminine, in Shakti, the energy of creation, to ride with it for hours that felt like moments and moments that felt like hours.  I had learned to expose it all, without feeling exposed.  I had learned to love someone no matter what.  I had learned that monogamy is simply placing all my eggs in one basket, but that it’s important to be selective about the basket.

Quite a journey.  At its completion we were both sated, filled, changed.

So yes.  The breakup was conscious. Tantric.  “What if we take all of our sexual energy, our lower chakra connections, and bring it up into our hearts,” he suggested. 

“And what if we take all of our shared consciousness, the psychic moments where we know what each other is doing, and bring that down into our hearts.  So going forward, we feel like dear friends, and not exes,” I said.

“Perfect,” he said.  We were so aligned.

We sat there on the phone together and did it, brought the energy into our hearts.  I felt nothing but love for him.  So much love that I was tempted to not break up.

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you too.”

Our Divine journey was finished.  I was grateful that we had seen it coming—we had seen it coming because of the clarity we embodied.  We had seen it coming, so our journey could exist forever in its pristine state:  we had never had a fight, rarely a disagreement, there was no blame to assign, there was nothing either of us had “done.”  We were just done.

We were happily, beautifully, complete.  And yes, there was a part of me that wanted to get naked with him, right then, to celebrate—and I think that pretty much sums up why Tantra is the perfect spiritual path for me.

In retrospect, beyond our Divine journey, what I have to celebrate is this:  you too can do it a whole new way.  You can love and be loved, without having it have to be about anything but love.  You can come together consciously and exit consciously—or not exit at all, and just stay conscious.  You can call in the partner of your dreams, and they can be better than you’ve ever dreamed.  You can live in Love.  You can choose the most blissful spiritual growth path imaginable—sex!, and Let Love Rule.  We do not need to live within an old paradigm that was designed by people who were not as enlightened as we now are.  We can design a unique New Paradigm that feeds and sustains our bodies, minds, and spirits.  Now is the time.